To start off with, I was thinking about the past today. I honestly tried to figure out how I stayed with Matt but I couldn’t quite put my finger on the EXACT reason. I did realize however, that I never REALLY loved him. I mean, yeah I cared about him. I cared about him as a person..a friend. But nothing more. I convinced myself for so fucking long that he was worth it all. That he was a good guy to be with. I lied to myself. I fooled myself into thinking so many things. Part of me thinks I held onto him because she couldn’t have him then. I know that sounds awful but I fucking hated her. I had what she wanted. It brought a sense of pride and accomplishment and as fucked up as that sounds, I think me finally admitting it is what led to me realize I never really loved him. I didn’t want to change anything because no matter how much I had to fake everything, I was comfortable. I didn’t know how to really feel about him. Throughout our whole relationship I tried figuring out who I am and I found that through leaving him. I never truly wanted him, I believe. I want Bret. I’ve always wanted Bret. 

~~ Kind of another tangent~~ When I started dating Aaron, I thought if him and I ever broke up I’d never find anything like him. No one who would make me smile or feel the way I did when I was with him. Well, Bret is better than Aaron and up until I met Bret, I held the same thoughts as day one. I am in love with Bret Kenney. Tonight we were laying on his bed cuddling and being wrapped in his arms makes me sooo happy. I can physically feel the happiness radiating through me when he holds me. Especially when he barely rubs his fingertips over my skin. The little things. They drive me insane but in such a good way. I love that I feel something with him. The feeling is completely mutual and its so easy to tell how crazy we are for one another. I sound naive and immature. But that’s alright. I wish I could put everything into words.